My friend Makena just moved out of the flat she’s lived in for four years because things got complicated with one of her neighbors. She’s a gorgeous single Mum of one boy and the neighbor is a married father of three girls.
She lives in one of those places where everybody keeps to themselves and she only started talking to him last March when Covid-19 happened and all the tenants had to gang together to get their landlord to reduce the rent for a few months so that those who’d lost their jobs could catch a break. Their interactions over the months were simple hellos, and how have you been? When they met in the corridors.
Then a few weeks ago, early one morning, she received a text message from him telling her that his wife was not happy with their ‘relationship’ and that he couldn’t talk to her anymore. Then things became awkward. They would leave the house around the same time in the morning, and if he got out of his house and saw her in the corridors, he would go back in the house until her car left the parking lot.
“What if I decided to just take a stool and sit in the corridor? Would he skive work that day?” She would ask.
This went on for weeks until she decided to move houses.
Marriage Is Not A Scam
This, right here ladies is why we keep saying that relationships are a scam, that marriage is overrated. There is nothing wrong with the quality of men we are dating or where we are meeting them. The problem is how we are confusing monogamy with ownership.
I remember not too long ago when I was young and stupid. If you’d asked me, I would have told you that there is that one man in the world who will meet all of a woman’s needs. Now that I have lived a little bit, I know that this is too much pressure on one man. I also know that I can never put a man in a cage. That I shouldn’t try to.
To be honest, monogamy isn’t a walk in the park. Women have gone to great lengths to maintain it. Talk about women having children they are not ready for because they think this will keep his eye from wandering to women wiggling their way into unstable come-we-stay arrangements.
Monogamy is not the problem. If someone can maintain it, I think it is quite cool to have that solid foundation. The problem is how we interpret monogamy. When a man commits to you, you imagine that this means that he will never look at or talk to another woman or that you will have his undivided love and attention 24/7. You start dictating who he can and can’t talk to. These are unreasonable expectations and it’s where lying and cheating eventually come from.
Before you agree to wear that shiny ring on your finger, be honest with yourself about how much he can give you. Accept that he will still find other women attractive and that he will have healthy, non-sexual relationships with other people without your relationship. It’s important that he does. Trust him a little bit.
It will also go a long way if we can admit that monogamy is not for everyone. Not everybody can wait to share their whole lives with just one special person. Some people are just built differently. Some people are poor at compromising. Others just thrive on their own.