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RELATIONSHIPS

The Real Reason You Fail At Dating

Umjolo is a contact sport

BY Stephanie Kapfunde

Mar 26, 2021, 11:12 AM

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Heartbreak and umjolo might be synonymous and that's why it's okay to throw in the towel every once in a while. But how much of it is your L to take?

When your heart has been broken, it is easier to blame anything and everyone but yourself for the atomic failure of the ship. Even though we all know umjolo runs the risk of leaving a nasty taste in your mouth, we still try. Bo 'all men are dogs' and, 'men are trash' are frequently thrown around to explain why your relationship but level with me Sis. Isn't that a little bit flawed? 

We All Play A Role 

You've heard the expression 'it takes two to Tango' but before you go on and Google "can you tango on your own", listen.  We all have a role we play in every relationship we engage in whether it be romantic, platonic or with family members. The other gender may have cheated and lied but here's the tough truth, you had a subconscious role to play in the grand scheme of things.

We Are What We Allow

A lot of us ignore those dreaded red flags and tolerate a lot of nonsense for our own reason it's usually because of one or two of these following suspects. 

To Keep Up Appearances 

This has everything to do with what people think and not with what you want. The idea of Vuyo who your parents love but you don't or uBandile who is the ultimate Insta thirst trap looks good on your #couplegoals posts.
Adhering to what the public thinks is good happens to the best of us. If you thought peer pressure ended with matric, think again. Thing is, every show must come to an end and that darling is why insta-love lasts as long as a GIF these days. 

When You Think You Can't Do Better

Yes, this is a self-esteem issue and you wouldn't be the first hun to undervalue their awesome. If when you're in a relationship you spend more time feeling grateful and so lucky that he chose you and occasionally gives you attention; then you Sisi are enabling a very toxic situation. This leaves you vulnerable to so much manipulation, so cease and desist! 
"He's the lucky one."

A 'Type' That's Not Good For You

How about we just ditch the societal definition of the perfect man? The ones that must look, talk, act and earn a certain amount. Tough truth? No one can fit perfectly into such rubrics because... no one is perfect! Worse still, you find many chasing after the Pearl Thusi or Maps Maponyana types or whichever figure appeals to you. For many, it’s setting our sights on a man that is in no way ready for monogamy and hoping for the best. We pop the blinders on and we ignore all the warning signs from our ancestors. We even make the colossal mistake of thinking we can change a person’s nature. Epic fail.
Also remember we have a trend, notice how your exes had similar traits? How about you expel some of these in the next episode of umjolo?

Room For Improvement

Self-introspection is vital in the pursuit of self-improvement and overall happiness. It allows us to recognise our errors of judgement and bad choices. You get to know yourself; realise your habits, flaws and weaknesses in the quest for a better-informed self. It’s not a fun exercise, granted but, it is necessary to learn from mistakes and guard against repeating them. When every relationship you have ends the same way leaving you uttering the phrases I mention before; sweetheart it's time to look in the mirror and take self-introspection seriously because you are the common denominator here.

Practice Makes Perfect

While there is no such thing as getting good at relationships; practice looks like taking responsibility for one’s actions and choices. It helps you to learn from your mistakes and to make better choices for the next time. A good mix of honest introspection helps erase the skewed perception of that gender created by one bad experience you might have co-created. Never forget that there is no magic potion or formula to the perfect relationship and whether you like it or not you also have to put in effort and time.  You might not get it right the first time but like anything else, relationship sporting takes practice and with practise anything is possible even legit #RelationshipGoals.

Read: Love Lessons From The Duke Of Hastings